On celibacy

Toronto Van Attack Memorial
by Quentin9909

At two thirty-seven in the afternoon of April 23, 2018, Alek Minassian drove a rented van down a crowded sidewalk in Toronto, killing ten people and injuring sixteen others. According to social media posts retrieved after the event, he announced his crime in the following words: 

Private (Recruit) Minassian Infantry 00010, wishing to speak to Sgt 4chan please. C23249161. The Incel Rebellion has already begun! We will overthrow all the Chads and Stacys! All hail the Supreme Gentleman Elliot Rodger!

We still do not know the exact relationship between Alek Minassian and the so-called "incel" movement. In the initial social media statement and subsequent interviews, he has claimed membership in what he, at least, appears to have considered a movement. His own claims to have a connection with the internet users who call themselves "incels" played some role in his criminal defence, but if any members of the "incel" movement have claimed him, the media appears not to have reported it. 

Alek Minassian's lawyers claim his autism has distorted his thinking so severely he could not understand running people  over with a van was wrong. This claim appalls most advocates for people with autism; it paints people already burdened by misunderstanding and hostility as a lethal threat. In a sense, though, the legal case matters less than the question of why Alek Minassian found the online snarls from the fever swamps of the Internet compelling. Whatever the judge in Alek Minassian's murder trial decides in a month's time, he can expect years if not decades in secure custody, the ten people he killed by running them over with a van will still be dead, and the sixteen people he injured will still have to live with varying degrees of trauma. The malignant whispers from the corners of the Internet will persist as well, ready to delude and snare the unwary. This tragedy has taught us the dangers of those whispers. It makes sense to ask if we can answer them.

In the case of at least some autistic men, I think we can. More: I think by understanding the attraction the complaints of "incels" have for some young autistic men, we may learn about our society, knowledge we can, perhaps, make use of. 

It's important to understand this does not necessarily apply to the specific case of Alek Minassian. If you know one autistic person, you know one autistic person, and I do not know Alek Minassian. I do not know how he came to identify with the complaints emanating from the "incels" on the net. I do, however, have some idea of the sources of frustration inherent in many common expressions of autism.

Autism frequently expresses as an aversion to contact. Autistic people frequently dislike having other people touch or hold us; Temple Grandin famously went so far as to build a "squeeze machine" to give herself the touch she could not accept from other people. A Danish company has now produced a commercial version of the device; those who have less money, or who prefer a less technological approach use weighted blankets to accomplish much the same thing. 

Obviously, this expression of autism will thwart ordinary sexual activity; equally obviously, this will lead to frustration. Men and women in that situation are not involuntarily celibate, but rather celibate by nature. While we do not choose our nature, it is not imposed on us by other people. We do not choose to be placental mammals, but those imaginary scapegoats of the "incel" message boards, the "Chads", "Stacys" and "normies" have not imposed our nature on us, either. The first message to young autistic people, young men in particular, needs to answer the darker whispers from the dark web. We need to point out the futility, and the indignity, of trying to blame others for something you simply are.

The second message to offer these young people, the young men in particular, is a word of hope: it gets better. Autism is not a permanent banishment from fulfilling relationships. What may look, from the perspective of a twenty year old, like an absolute "no" may appear in hindsight as "not yet". Maturity, and a sense of connection and trust can overcome the impulses causing autistic people to shy from contract. For some of us, that makes marriage and family life possible. Other autistic people, who may never marry or have children, can build, have built, full and fulfilling lives.

The third message is not just for autistic people, nor is it necessarily only for men. The underlying message of the so-called "incel" movement, a sense of grievance at exclusion from a presumed life of happiness through sex, depends on a broader consensus about the place of sex in our culture and particularly in the lives of young people. That consensus equates happiness and in some sense value and success with access to sex with other people. Feminists rightly, and angrily, denounce the sense of entitlement driving the grievances of the so-called "incel" web posters, declaring nobody owes anyone sex. Yet the notion of sex as a "good", remains pervasive in our culture. With that comes the application to sex of what economists refer to as the "pig principle" or the impulse to obtain as much of what is "good" as possible. Plenty of people, not to mention a large number of corporations, promote the ability to convince a long series of people to engage in sex with you as an advantage; these people and businesses will gladly sell you techniques and products to engage, safely, in an "active social life". Serial monogamy as a good way of life, at least for the young and unmarried, does not have the universal approval, but does enjoy a general resignation. As long as all the participants consent, and have reached the age to consent, then whether we approve or not, we at least tacitly accept. This makes sense for those who believe, as many of us still do, in one frictionless universal and Friedmanesque market, and acknowledge one currency for the measurement of human worth. 

But what about those of us whose minds and bodies do not fit this approach to sex? Perhaps we have coded in our brains and nerves some wisdom, some natural prudence. Perhaps we should not treat our impulse to refuse contact with people before we build a solid bond of trust and care as a curse or a defect. Even if voices ranging from pickup artists to porn studios, cosmetics makers to sports car manufacturers, tell us we will find happiness with a string of one night stands behind us as long as Jacob Marley's chain, maybe the wisdom in our bones and nerves makes a better guide, at least for us, than social expectations and commercial imperatives. We need to ask why we experience the periods of celibacy we experience, or the kind of celibacy in our lives, as a curse. It might make more sense for us to see it as, if not a blessing, then at least benefiting us as well as holding us back.